“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb…I am fearfully and wonderfully made…your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.” Psalm 139:13-16
These words of truth saved my daughter’s life. It might sound a little dramatic, but I mean it with every ounce of my being. God’s word, spoken through David, a man after God’s own heart, saved my daughter’s life.
Like many young women today and throughout human history, I found myself carrying the life of a child who was not planned, and was conceived in far from ideal circumstances. In reality, the conception of the child came as a result of my poor choices, my sin, and my disobedience. In the eyes of the world, the child I was carrying was the evidence of my crime, my undoing. To carry the child would be foolish, for I would be potentially giving up everything that I had; my reputation, my career, my financial stability, my freedom could all be gone. The situation looked completely impossible.
My heart anguished over the thought that I might disregard my belief in the sanctity of life to save myself. I received a lot of pressure and threats from one individual to terminate the life, but I wrestled in my soul with what I knew to be true.
I recognize now that it was a battle for not just my soul, but also the soul of my child. God had claimed her as His own before she was even formed in my womb. He would fight for her as Satan attempted to deceive me and lead me to believe that one sin could cover my previous sin. Praise God that I had a spiritual foundation for God to work with during this battle. Even as I muddled through the consequences of my sin, He called to mind the words of Psalm 139. As I faced my future filled with fear and doubt, not knowing how I was going to have the child or what our future would look like, I clung to, with everything I had, the truth of God’s word. My unborn child had been fearfully and wonderfully made! God knew her before He formed her in my womb. He knew the plans he had for her, and for me as her mommy.
The word of God endures forever, and it is essential that God’s truths be shared with young women in our world today. For if I had not heard the word of God nor had His truth to cling to in the darkest moments, my child would not be here. To be honest, I probably would not be here anymore either. I am so thankful for places like San Bernardino Pregnancy and Family Resource Center whose mission is to share the word and truth of God with women and girls who find themselves in very different, but very much the same, circumstances as I did. Carrying the life of a child, drowning in feelings of guilt and shame, struggling to comprehend how to make an impossible situation work, and feeling undeserved of any love, forgiveness, or help.
The birth of my child did not magically make all of the consequences of my sin disappear, for many of them still weigh heavily in my life. There has been a lot of loss due to my sin, BUT I have seen God bring beauty for ashes through the life of my daughter. I have seen God use her to draw me back to Him in an intimate and humbling way. I have seen God use her to bless and comfort family members and friends. I have seen God use her to reveal Himself to complete strangers, and bring glory to the work He has done in our lives. She is my beauty for ashes…
As I think about the conception and birth of my own child, God reminds me of a young girl who experienced her own beauty for ashes over two thousand years ago. Mary, mommy of Jesus, became pregnant outside of wedlock and faced an impossible decision without a clear picture of how everything would come to pass. The consequences she could experience were far greater than mine, as the law and her culture allowed for her to be stoned for her assumed sin. Regardless of what she might lose…her reputation, her fiancé, her life…she surrendered her will to God’s will. Mary had to cling to the promise and word of God that He would use her child, immaculately conceived, to “heal the broken hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives…to give them beauty for ashes.”* I wonder if in the darkest moments, as she walked simply by faith, Mary too, clung to the words of Psalm 139 as she fought for the life and soul of her child, and ultimately, the salvation of all mankind.
By A’s Mommy